The Importance of Asking For What You Want
Especially for Females in The Workplace
Even as a kid, I had a hard time telling people what I wanted. I was shy and timid and never found it easy to speak my mind. I was never the kid that threw a temper tantrum in the store to get the candy she wanted. I rarely had the courage to ask for the candy, never mind causing a big fuss when I couldn’t get it.
If a friend asked what movie I wanted to see, my standard answer was “I don’t care, whatever you want”, even if I did really care. I cared more about fitting in and being easygoing than I did about speaking my mind or saying what I wanted.
This trend continued as I got older and I began to carry it with me into all areas of my life. I convinced myself that I truly didn’t care as I pushed my own desires away to accommodate what I thought others wanted. I felt I was avoiding conflict and that was more important than saying what I wanted.
Being a Woman in The Workplace
It’s taken me a long time, but I am finally learning the importance of asking for what I want and how to do it. This applies to all aspects of life but is particularly important in the workplace. Although not exclusive to women, I find that a majority of women struggle with saying what they want.
We have all sorts of elaborate excuses as to why it’s not necessary or why we shouldn’t have to, but ultimately, it boils down to thinking we don’t deserve it.
We sit by and watch our male counterparts get raises and promotions that we are equally deserving of simply because they weren’t afraid to ask.
We can’t fault them for that.
Think about it.
No one is going to just hand you something. Your boss doesn’t know you want a raise or a new position if you don’t tell her you want it.
It’s easy to keep things status quo. That’s why we don’t speak up and that’s why bosses don’t change anything. Only when someone brings it to their attention or tells them they want something different will a change be made.
Very often we assume that our work speaks for itself. We hope that by putting in the effort, showing how dedicated we are, and doing quality work, we will get noticed and properly compensated.
Sometimes this is true.
But more often than not, we get overlooked or under recognized and we wrongly assume that if we just work harder, eventually we’ll get what we want.
This leads to burn out, dissatisfaction, and resentments. In the worst cases, we get taken advantage of by getting a lot of work dumped on us because we keep allowing it to happen. In the best cases, we eventually get recognized and maybe get some compensation for it.
In the meantime, we are frustrated and discontented.
No More Excuses
By no means am I an expert in speaking up for myself, but I am an expert at coming up with excuses for why it doesn’t matter if I keep quiet and let my wishes go unheard.
In an effort to help myself and hopefully other women who have made the same excuse, I’m going to list a few of those excuses here and give some arguments for why they don’t hold up. As females in the workplace, we need to help and support each other to break this pattern and stand our ground.
EXCUSE #1: I’m afraid I’ll be perceived as a Diva/Bitch
Asking for what we want doesn’t have to be a dirty thing. In fact, it can be quite the opposite. It shows confidence and assertiveness. These are good qualities to display no matter what business you are in. We deserve the same perks, responsibilities, salaries, etc., as males doing the same job. If we ask in a respectful and polite way, there’s no reason we should be looked at as being a diva. As women, we should also make sure not to perpetuate that attitude and support our female co-workers in asking for what they want.
I believe that using your own best assets is the key to succeeding in this endeavor. If you are confident, polite and assured you will not sound like a diva or a bitch. Where we might get into trouble is trying to be something we are not. If you are authentic and genuine, that is what people will see.
EXCUSE #2: I’m afraid my boss will laugh at me or say no to the salary/promotion/(fill in the blank) I want.
So what?!
Seriously.
So what if she says no? If you are a good worker and honestly believe you deserve more money or (fill in the blank), you have every right to ask for it. Your boss also has every right to turn you down, but that doesn’t prevent you from trying.
I actually had a department head laugh at my salary request one time. He told me that what I asked for was way out of their price range but maybe they could work with me to get me closer to what I wanted. He also later told me that I negotiated better than most of the agents he deals with. (I am a freelance editor who does not have an agent, like many editors do. Side note: this doesn’t say much for those agents because my negotiation skills leave much to be desired!)
The point is you’re not going to get fired by asking for more money. And often times, people want you more if you think you’re worth more. You have to be your own advocate. Many times, women find out that men have been making the salaries they’ve been afraid to ask for all along.
More often than not, we are selling ourselves short. Be confident. Take a chance. And realize that getting laughed at or being told no is not the end of the world or even your career.
EXCUSE #3: My boss knows exactly what I want from this job so I just have to wait for her to decide when it will happen.
This one can be applied to many situations in the workplace. Maybe you would love to work from home a few days a week. Or maybe you would like more flexible hours. Maybe you’re getting taken advantage of and doing a lot of extra work that isn’t your responsibility and you’re not being recognized for it.
In any of these situations, we often think that the boss is acutely aware of these things but just choosing not to act. In my experience, that is giving the boss too much credit.
I recently had a situation at work where a change in schedule occurred and I lost out on weeks of work that I was supposed to have. It was not any one person’s fault, but even still, it was work that I was counting on and I felt it was unfair that I should lose out on it. When I finally got the nerve to say something to my producer, his response was, “I wish you said something earlier. I would have made sure things didn’t happen this way.”
Ultimately, we were able to come to a compromise that I was happy with, but my assumption that he was aware the whole time cost me a more desirable outcome.
Bosses are busy. They have a lot going on, and assuming they know all the ins and outs of daily happenings is unfair to them. You also can’t assume he knows your feelings about your work situation. If you are unhappy with something, the only way he can address it is if you bring it to his attention.
We wrongly assume that making something more desirable for ourselves will make it less desirable for our employer.
Make the case for why what you want is good for both parties involved and you have given your boss a better alternative than what is currently in place. This will make it hard for him to turn you down.
Of course there could be lots of other reasons that a boss may say no to something but as long as you’ve made a good case for your position, he can’t hold it against you. In fact, it may just lay the groundwork for making it happen in the future. Which leads me to the next common excuse.
EXCUSE #4: I’ve already told my boss what I want.
Just because you told your boss 3 years ago what your aspirations were does not mean she remembers them today. It’s important to keep reminding her what you want and what you hope to achieve. Your goals may change and you want your boss to be attuned to the direction you are heading so she can help you get there. Letting her know once a year at your review (if your boss does those), is not enough. Again, making your case to her so that she sees how helping you grow will help the business/project/co-workers/etc. grow too will serve to your advantage.
If you are a freelancer like me this is even more important. You have to be constantly networking and getting your name out there, telling people when you are available for work. I find this the most challenging part of what I do.
When I’m working, I get absorbed in my work and find it difficult to stay connected with people. And when I’m not working, I worry that people think I’m only reaching out because I want a job. I have learned to partially be okay with this. I recognize that the people in my network are all in the same situation so we all have to lean on each other for work from time to time. It’s the nature of what we do.
One way I’ve found to be more comfortable selling myself is to present enthusiasm.
Sharing stories about what I do or things I like about what I do is a way of reminding producers that I am interested in working and enjoy my job. Having a positive attitude in general is always a plus, and infusing that positivity into your work will make you a more desirable employee.
It takes time and confidence to be able to ask for what we want. Unfortunately, as women, we are not often encouraged to speak up for ourselves. Many of us have years of putting others needs in front of our own to overcome. I still find it challenging to ask for what I want and I still get very anxious any time I need to do it.
But I remind myself that no one will know what I want if I don’t let them know.
And it’s okay to let them know. I deserve to get what I want. It’s not a selfish act.
It’s self FULL. It is an act of self compassion to ask for what you want and to accept whatever outcome arises. So stop making excuses and start taking some small steps towards asking for what you want. I’ll be cheering you on from the sidelines. Good luck!
